Welcome to M.C.A.R

A place where relationship dialogue can become useful for the betterment of all members as we strive to enhance our relationships....ENJOY.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Fighter....in relationships

Fighters. They are typically not fighters by choice, but by circumstance. And if they stay that way long enough, well then it eventually will become all that they know. And all that they are. A way of life. Every inch of the journey, every bit of respect that was earned, and every reward was a fight of some sort to get to this point in life. A survivor, and their skills acquired along the way have served them well.

Now don't get me wrong, we are all fighters in some regard, but a true fighter always has their guard up. Even when not necessary. Just in case. Strike first, because losing is not an option. They have been knocked down and counted out enough times. Fought back when most others would have been broken, and somehow they made it through. And with each step forward, vowing with everything in them never to go down again.

It is these struggles that make fighters attractive as mates. Their resilience. Their passion. Their determination. Their strength. All qualities that make you gravitate towards them and love them immensely. You identify with their pain and desire to comfort them. You are inspired by their experiences of triumph.

You marvel at what they have accomplished in spite of the obstacles and odds. All that they have been through to even get to the point of meeting you. You? Yes You. A mutual interest has given you both a chance to get to know each other.

Their guard is down and they are letting you in. Letting you in behind the battered proverbial walls and into a beleaguered heart that aches. Past the smile that says I am great and doing well, into a mind and soul that grows weary. And it is within that instant you realize how special you are to be granted such access. What shall you do? How shall you handle such a gift?

Patience. Patience. Patience. More Patience. Understanding. And more Patience. Did I say Patience?

Patience because you will learn many things about a fighter. The same passion that makes things so beautiful, is the same passion that works against the relationship when there are rough patches. Patience. Most fighters view constructive criticism as attacks. Remember, strike first because losing is not an option. Don't take it personal, it is not your fault. I know, easier said than done. It is what has become a natural reaction. Hard to unlearn. Patience. You will also learn that most fighters have internal battles as well. Conflicts of what caused them to become a fighter in the first place. Awkward internal moments of how to process kindness without analyzing it as a potential threat. Patience. Internally they want to be less of a fighter and struggle with how to accomplish that AND still be as strong as they have become. Love is patient, and if you embark on THIS relationship journey....stock up on patience for a bumpy ride.

A bumpy ride, that if handled well pays off in large dividends. You cannot meet a fighter with the same force that they may lash out with. It is at that point you become the enemy. You must meet them with an "open hand, mind, and heart" and build trust. This trust takes time like any relationship, but with a fighter in the early stages that trust will be fragile. It will need time to grow to undo what has become natural. To fight.

Remember all of the great things I mentioned about a fighter? Imagine all those things as a mate and an ally? Someone who will fight battles with you side by side, and in some cases fighting your battles harder than you. Someone who believes in you even when you may not believe in yourself. Are they a bit of work? Yes! But they are worth every ounce of time and energy spent.

Some of you reading this and recognizing yourself as the fighter. If that is the case, cut your mate some slack. They are trying as best they can to love you just the way you are.

Come join the conversations: MCAR

You can also pick up a copy of my book Male Insight - Bridging The Gap

Thank you for reading....

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Don't Forget The Lesson

They say all good things come to an end. If that is the case I would venture to say that not-so-good things come to an end sooner. Well, that may not always be true because we all know someone who has stayed in situations well past their expiration date. In either the good or the bad, whatever happens...don't forget the lesson.
In every scenario there is a lesson to be learned. In the realm of relationships we often allow our feelings and emotions to blind our minds from what we should learn....need to learn....have to learn. Anger, Sorrow, and even Happiness tend to turn off the recognition mechanisms in our brains. Recognition of what we know to be correct, to avoid being where we ultimately do NOT want to be. It is pertinent to seek out these lessons...no matter how small....and apply them going forward.
If we continuously forget the lesson....we will forever be mentally and emotionally bound to situations that stunt our growth. We will never be free to grow and blossom into the person we should be. As long as you don't forget the lesson....you will remain the key to your own freedom.
Come join the conversations: MCAR
You can also pick up a copy of my book Male Insight - Bridging The Gap

Thank you for reading....

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Jody vs the Side chick

When you hear women talk about the side chick or 'other woman', you would think these adulterous women were terrorist and threats to national security. But I can promise you that when the conversations of 'Jody' or 'maintenance man' come up, it is a totally different story.
In those conversations the side chick is vilified, unless she is Olivia Pope or Being Mary Jane. Not exactly sure how that works, but for some reason it does. Those two women excluded, many women will join together to denounce the 'other woman' time and time again, even if they have been a side chick themselves. (I know I am stepping on some toes here) Phrases such as: "She should find her own man"; "what kind of woman lowers herself to be number two"; and (my favorite) "side chicks are nasty".

Jody, well he is not met with the same amount of libel. He is often revered similar to a knight in shining armor temporarily whisking the woman away from her slacking man. "If he was on his job then she wouldn't need a Jody" is the common defense. And women seem to rally behind the excitement of it all. More of what I call "Girl or Woman-speak"; banding together for a common cause, no matter what it may be.
She is unhappy so it is okay. He is unhappy but it is wrong. I know the world is full of double-standards but if both are mirror images of each other...then both are wrong. I wonder if the budding media view of adulterous women will change the perception? Probably not. Adulterous men have been on television for years and nothing has made them acceptable. Ultimately it's all wrong but happens daily.

Come join the conversations: MCAR
You can also pick up a copy of my book Male Insight - Bridging The Gap

Thank you for reading....

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Ladies....Let's not act as if sex is NOT important

When you ask men and women to compare lists of what is important to them in a relationship (in my book I call it the Hierarchy of Ten), sex or sexual compatibility often is considerably lower on the women's list than their male counterparts. Older demographics of women tend to have it rated higher, but still not has high as men. We all want to be desired and liked for who we are, but let's be honest ladies....a great guy who is sensually aloof to your physical needs is almost as bad as having a dog that for some reason is never house broken.
The reality is that women want sex just as much, if not more, than men. However, even in moments of honesty, the fear of appearing loose or with low morals creeps in for many women and their sexual nature if suppressed.

So what prompts the smoke screen?

Grasping at lost virtue due to ending up on the wrong emotional side of past sexual encounters? That may be construed as being bitter and thus holding the next guy hostage for your past sexual transgressions. Casual sexual relationships that you hoped would materialize into something more....more of those than you would care to admit? Well you can't share all of those with him. He may label you a whore. Got tired of having sex just to relieve that itch that the toys couldn't scratch. Now we are back to those society-based labels. Toss in a few 90-day rule moments gone wrong and a woman may just run into the arms of another woman just to avoid the madness.

I am sure there are a multitude of reasons that cause women to downplay their sexual needs within a relationship. So let's say you never really address this aspect....then what?

Can you truly be happy with a man who is not into kissing, yet you enjoy kissing very much? Foreplay is your thing, but it's not his. How does that play out going forward? I counsel sexually frustrated women daily and much of it is of their own doing. From avoidance to outright faking orgasms, many women suffer in silence to poor sexual relations. Poor because for some reason she rationalized that his other attributes somehow outweighed or overshadowed that particular shortcoming. Pun intended.

And guess what?
NOW it's important!!!!
So what is to become of these unfulfilled sexually charged women who are growing and maturing physically - peaking sexually? He is trying, but is it really his fault? She has hid it for so long. Faked it for so long. Is the possibility at improving sex worth crushing his ego and everything you have built so far? Probably not. Continued suffering, but it looks great on the outside.

She could always cheat. GASP!!!! But it happens more than many are willing to admit. And if he is better than her man, the world - her world - their world begins to fall off of its axis. Feeling alive and free with the proverbial 'Jody'. Compromised at every angle, when all she had to do was be 'real' with herself and her man about her sexual needs and desires from the very beginning.

It may sound and seem far fetched, but it is NOT. There are women reading this, who won't admit that they are here now; those that are reading this saying it could never be them; and those that can look over their shoulder and say that WAS me, but will never be me again. Regardless if you fall into either of those categories, be honest with yourselves AND your men....and stop acting as if sex is NOT important.

Come join the conversations: MCAR
You can also pick up a copy of my book Male Insight - Bridging The Gap

Thank you for reading....

Friday, February 7, 2014

Soooooo......what are we doing?

We can all go out and meet someone who is physically attractive to us. That typically won't be enough to sustain anything lasting, but it is a start. And somewhere in between that initial attraction and the next stage of a relationship, many of us get lost.

Date after date.
Time and energy given.
Days. Weeks. Months. And for some years can go by....before you stop and ask yourself, "Sooooo...what are we doing?"

Now some of you are reading this and saying, "That could never be me." Riiiiiiiiiiight. But this has been us all at some point. Not wanting to rock the boat of good vibes by attempting to define the numerous good thoughts, kisses, sexual encounters, time spent, and budding or full blown feelings that have developed.

They told you, "Let's just see where this leads" and you agreed. The problem with this is, where you see it going and where they may see it going is possibly two different directions; or the same direction but at different speeds. In my book I call this area The Gray. Things are not black and white and quite foggy. The Gray tends to keep you at bay, and has the ultimate escape clause. The Gray tends to offer all the benefits, but no commitment. Also no expectations can legitimately be placed on either party, because nothing has been defined to base them on. Hence the previously mentioned escape clause. Savvy yet savage. And being caught on the wrong side of The Gray is one of the most demoralizing feelings in the history of relationships. Causing you to wonder....how in the world did I get here.
Again you ask yourself, "So what are we doing?" You have tried in the most subtle of ways to ask them, but you have gotten the same Confucius-type answer. Now you are just as confused as before and, with more questions than you started with. Or you have waited so long to ask, you find out that you are both on totally different pages as to what you are doing. In both cases, that sinking feeling is setting in. But here is the kicker.....you are emotionally vested now.

Almost a self made Catch 22.....
What should you do?

ROCK THAT BOAT and have a moment of clarity. Or many moments of clarity. If you asking for clarity tips the boat over, then that vessel wasn't going to carry you very far anyway. Swim away. The shark was actually in the boat with you. Dating with 'Intent' should be the gear switched to once you have recognized that this is someone that you are truly interested in. Life is too short and the next day is not promised. Situation-ships? If you choose those, know that when that situation changes to wanting more for  yourself, your intent will need to be clear; as well as theirs.

Because if you have intent coupled with moments of clarity, it will be rare that you have to ask your mate, "Sooooo....what are we doing?"

Come join the conversations: MCAR
You can also pick up a copy of my book Male Insight - Bridging The Gap

Thank you for reading....

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

And Then the Fight Started.....

I have always enjoyed the relationship jokes that end with, "and then the fight started''. A series of jokes consisting of funny moments between mates that lead to one being offended by the other, and ending in some comical altercation.

Unfortunately, real life does not work that way. Once the buttons are pressed for most, the 'fight' is on and popping. The need to get the point across. The need to be heard. The need to be right. The need to win. And for some, win at all cost. But is what was won versus what was lost worth it?
Or was anything won at all? Hmmmm....

Did I just tear down someone I am supposed to love for the sake of being right? And even if my pride allows me to go back to try and make it right, will it be? The statement is true that 'words once spoken can never be recalled' and rarely do they miss their original target. Some disagreements can last for hours, days, or weeks. When is enough....enough? When someone gets tired and walks away? When the love is chipped away until none remain?

Is it ever really over? Moments later forgotten of who started it, and why you were even arguing to begin with. However, the pain from it remains and the hurtful words still sting.

It has been my experience to.....*pause for dramatic effect*......not even argue at all. I do not subscribe to avoidance or smoothing over issues. A certain amount of conflict is good for relationships. It shows growth. It is how you handle that conflict that is most important.

Suggestion: early in the relationship establish a standard that lends towards the idea of having constructive conflict. Keep it solution oriented. Each partner does their part to NOT be hurtful. It is never about winning as an individual, but winning as a couple. Start the dialogue with an 'I love you' and end it with another one...ending the fight, that never started.

Now get back to the loving.....Enjoy.

Come join the conversations: MCAR
You can also pick up a copy of my book Male Insight - Bridging The Gap

Thank you for reading....

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Don't Get It Twisted

Growing up in a house full of women has its advantages.

You get to see the game from the other side
And although you try to understand, all you can do is try
And as the saying goes Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus
Is that how it goes - something to do with the comparison of a vagina and a penis
But back to the point of seeing the game from the inside out
I have developed many theories, but without a doubt

attempting to solve the age old riddle....it is all about game.

About how women want sex as bad as men, but society frowns and condemns
those women who 'do they own thang' with her or him.
So in most cases a women will hide behind her desire and act coy and shy,
being offered sex on the daily from every type of guy....
so there's no pressure to choose
She can have it when she wants it from 90% of those in her space,
and feels no chick can walk in her place...
but many have the game twisted.
Men are simple so we are also to blame for how folks get caught up in the game
and fall into the same chokes and chains
- - can't break the cycle.
If we (men) paid attention then we could always provide what a woman wants,
leveling the playing field against the teasers and taunts.
But because we just want to get our rocks off and glide
leaving our woman upset and unsatisfied
the game gets twisted because we lost our pride
and knowledge of what makes a woman feel good inside.

But like I said growing up in a house full of women has its advantages.
I heard about it before I saw it, and knowledge is power
so as I put in work hour after hour to create that uncontrollable shake, that creates that sweat hours after I'm gone that puts her in the shower, unconsciously touching herself imagining that her hands are mine, because .....as I stated earlier knowledge is power.
So as the fellas sit around talking trash, I attempt to hold class
of my teachings, experiences, and early lessons - guys call it 'gettin ass'.
So Ladies don't get it twisted, because there are some of us who know,
We hope to share it with the masses, so the Good Man Movement will grow.

My unfinished thoughts...hope you enjoyed.

Come join the conversations: MCAR
You can also pick up a copy of my book Male Insight - Bridging The Gap

Thank you for reading....